2 posts from February 2009

I love the way Elizabeth Berg writes.  She's one of my favorite authors.  These three books are sort of a trilogy, all about the same girl and her life growing up in the 60's.  I've read the first two before, but it had been a couple of years so I decided to read them again.  I loved them just as much as I did the first time I read them.  I'm still reading True to Form right now.  It's helping me get through the quiet, depressing times that are hovering around me all the time.  It's nice to pop into someone else's life for a change, even if they are fictional characters. 

It's been waaaay too long since I've written here and I feel horrible about it.  But here I am now.  Still alive.  Although sometimes I sorta wish I wasn't.  Not in the "I wanna kill myself" way, but in the "If I hadn't been born, I wouldn't be going through such a hard time right now" way, know what I mean?  I'm sure everyone has gone through that at some point in their life.  Right now I'm immersed deeply in "tough times".  It seems like everything that could go wrong in my life, IS going wrong.  I was layed off from the job I worked at for over 7 years.  Huge surprise, let me tell you.  I was like, "WTF??!!!"  Unfortunately, that didn't get me my job back.  I've been applying for jobs each week and it seems like NO ONE is hiring right now.  Actually, it seems like people are getting layed off left and right nowadays.  The economy is so messed up.  I just wonder how anyone is supposed to live with it being so hard to find work or afford gas or groceries because prices keep going up every day.  None of it makes sense to me. 

Besides losing my job, I've been having trouble with my love relationship.  I've been with B. for almost 7 years and yet here we are...separate and sad and cloaked in despair without each other.  I had let him move in with me on February 1st.  This is something he's been wanting for years and years.  But I never trusted him.  I always feared that he'd move in and then the second he got mad or didn't get his way, out he'd go.  I mostly feared this because I knew it would break my little girl's heart if they moved in and then left shortly after.  Well, guess what?  I was totally right.  He only lasted 7 days before he got mad at something soooo stupid and moved out.  There was a lot of stupid, hurtful drama after all that, of course.  That's just the way it goes 99.9% of the time.  Owell.  Things have calmed down a bit.  He came over today and we talked.  It was emotional and the tears came on easily because I've been hurting so much lately.  I haven't cried about anything until today.  It's like it was stored up inside me and then all of a sudden, it just burst out and I couldn't stop it.  My eyes still sting right now from the tears.  I hate crying.  I hate hurting even more.

I have felt so alone the past couple of weeks.  I've hardly had the energy to do anything.  I've had to force myself up every day.  Force myself to get dressed.  Force myself to get Claudia ready for school.  Force myself to try to make some money so I don't just drowned.  It's been so rough for me.  My sadness is overwhelming.  I can't help think that maybe God is punishing me for something.  Or maybe he's testing me, like Job.  Or maybe it's just a bunch of bad things coincidentally happening all at the same time, just bad luck, bad timing.  Who knows.  All I know is that I want to follow my heart and do what makes me happy.  I have no desire to work FOR someone else.  I want to work for MYSELF.  Like open a shop or something.  That would be such fun!  They say you can do anything you want in life.  All it takes is a little bravery to take the risk and a whole lot of faith to see it through.  But when you're hurting as much as I have been, it's hard to even get out of bed.  I need something to motivate me, but what?  I have no idea. 

I've been reading a lot the past few days, trying to keep my mind off of how crappy my life seems right now.  I should be thankful for everything I have...which I am, of course...but it's hard sometimes, especially when you fear you're about to lose it all.  Yes, I'm afraid I'm going to have to move out of my lovely house and sell it.  Oh, how that hurts.  My home being taken away just like that.  I hate the whole money concept.  It causes so many problems and hurts so many people.  I fear I'm going to lose my motorcycle, too.  The payment is small, but still.  Food and shelter are more important than a Ninja that I hardly ever ride.  I may ride it more once it warms up a little.  It gets 55 miles to the gallon!  I would save so much money on gas just by using my bike.  Claudia loves riding on it, too.  Only problem is you can't haul much at all on it.  Everything you take has to fit in a little bitty bag or in your pockets.  It'd be a good "go to work" vehicle.  Luckily, my Explorer is paid for.  That right there is a major blessing and I thank my lucky stars every day that I have it.

Well, I guess I won't be buying 5 purses at a time anymore on eBay like I used to.  I'm sure that's for the best anyway since I already have jillions of purses and really don't NEED any more (although I loooove getting new ones because I am a purseaholic and I love to collect them).  Every time I buy a new purse, I get a thrill in my heart and can't help but be so happy and excited about it.  Right now I just can't do that anymore.  And yes...it sucks.  But I'll survive.  One way or the other.